Hello! big, grandiose wave
I’ve taken nearly a month off after a solid 30 days of nonstop blogging. Seems counterintuitive and yet, I couldn’t force myself to write a life-post if it could very well prove the difference between being a published or unpublished author. That’s how melted my brain was after a 60k+ month of words. Don’t get me wrong, I loved it, every struggling, bleeding second, but damn, these last 25 days of *not *was a peach.
But an idea came to me today while I was out for my daily run/exercise, etc. Well, it was more of a concept, really: that there’s a wild in me that’s completely untamable and that…wait for it…this is PERFECTLY OKAY. That I don’t need to reel it in and be someone I’m not just to please the tempered ones that don’t live with the same level of urgency I possess. It’s like a constant on switch for the ‘can we just go adventuring?’ or even the ‘let’s spontaneously drive three hours to walk on the beach and turn around after two and come back home.’ And don’t forget the random outbursts of dancing when I’m alone (or in my car) or the broadway shows in my head and long red carpets in my dreams. I feel 100% wild and crazy in a really good way and today, *today *it feels good. It’s as if the this is the me I’ve always been but I’m finally present and returned. And I don’t know if it’s because I’m taking better care of myself and acting on the things I love and brushing aside the bullshit. Or if it’s acceptance.
Maybe it’s all of it or none of it and I’m just having a great vibey/mood/energy Tuesday. It could very well be that, too. But I’m starting to think that this wild beast I’ve been stroking and feeding and making safe and sound is ready to live its best life. That free and (as the kids say these days) woke life. And would that be so bad? To say what I think and feel? So long as my words don’t cut needlessly, I don’t see any fault to be had in doing such a thing. To be goofy, ridiculous and suggestive and not feel bad or guilty about it? Because…why should I possibly feel bad about something that makes me happy, the same somethings that I can use to make others happy with, too.
Either way, there is a wild in me and I think she’s tired of complacency and placating. Tired of dull claws and matted fur. Tired of hiding.