Warning: This deals with depression.
This is taking a lot out of me to write, but I made a deal with myself when I started this blog that I’d keep to a certain standard of truth and candidness. And I’ve done a fine enough job of that, but I know I’ve been limited in my scope lately. Not because I didn’t want to or couldn’t share, but because I couldn’t work out what it was I wanted to share.
I didn’t want to sit here and write words that meant little to me or worse, wouldn’t resonate at all with you, the reader. I’d never intentionally waste your time doing something so selfish as just a means to an end – a blog/post end, that is. I want this blog to remain worthwhile, even when I personally do not feel as though I am worth your while.
And there goes the segue for this entry’s topic: feeling utterly worthless these last few weeks. Just useless on all levels. As if I contribute nothing to no one and the space I take up is becoming too high a burden. Let me explain: A close friend of mine recently made a joke to me and said “what would I do without you?!” to which I replied, “Oh, I’m sure you’d be just fine.” I know they returned with a follow-up attempt to brush my brush off away but I can’t recall what it was. Which is odd, considering I remember nearly everything exchanged between myself and a few select folks.
This tiny conversation – a joke, no doubt – sparked a dialogue in my head: What would so and so do without me? Of course my brain repeats over and over what I had spoken to them, “you’d be just fine,” because *they would. *I feel I’m a dime a dozen, a replaceable cog in a wheel of weathering parts. Not just to that person either, but to everyone I’m close to in my life.
This is not a cry for help or attention/validation, I’ll survive the storms like I always do. This is merely me, sharing my inner hideaway on a public forum because if I can’t tell the Big Great Void, then who can I tell?
Anyway, I’ve gone to that chat a few times since (you’d be fine) and I know, I know, it’s true what I said. Because they would be. They’d have the exact same life they have now, only with less hassle from a stupid foolish girl who’s insecurities are worsening as she ages. They’d have less to concern themselves with, less to contend with in the way of assuring another human of their place in all of this – and this is all putting aside that it’s most likely all bullshit to them (the one(s) who’s saying it). Imagine how exhausting that must be? And hey, if you’re reading this, dear friends, I’m sorry. Maybe I’ve misjudged you, maybe I’m just a selfish twat who can’t see the forest through the trees because right now I Am Not Alright. I’m not alright.
It’s a bandaid on a bullet wound.
It’s a temporary bout of depression that’s turned into a permanent way of life and I don’t know how to combat it anymore. I know I can seek professional help and maybe one day I might but that is not today. Today I have this blog and these hands and all the letters at my fingertips. It has to be enough, for tonight. For this moment.
Even if I am not enough, these words have to be.
I feel ripped apart and pushed away and let go and moved on from and I don’t know if it’s because of my past and the mountains I’ve had to climb – and failed – or if it’s really my gut telling me something is amiss. Because I have to say, keeping faith that I’m not a broken record is becoming harder every day.
I suppose, just like everyone else, I want an assurance that I’m not a hard pill to swallow. That I hold a spot – even if it’s the teeniest, tiniest grain of soul-sand – that’s mine and mine alone. Because that’s what I give to people – every person I’ve ever known has their own part of me, one I give away and hope and pray doesn’t get abused and mistreated. But folks, I have a lot of empty spaces now and living in pieces, living in parts, is wearing me down.
Listen, I know the burden is on me. I need to slash my expectations, shatter the notion that I am or have ever been worth a damn so when moments like these come to haunt and stab at my paper-thin wall of self-confidence, I can look away and feel nothing.
Because even I want to feel nothing some days. Especially this day.