Sounds like a weird title, right? But with reason. I woke up a few weeks ago feeling like absolute shit. Not shit in the physical sense – I’m was neither ill nor hurting in any real, true way. But emotionally, I was miserable. And it was because my brain – my stupid, needy, ridiculously bratty brain – couldn’t seem to wrap its head (there’s an image) around the fact that PEOPLE DON’T HAVE TO GIVE YOU WHAT YOU GIVE TO THEM.
Oh, this is **not **part of the 30 day challenge, fyi. Just a draft that needed posting.
Does that make any sense at all? If you’re anything like me, then it should. Because that’s the trap compassionate people fall into time and again. They allow others to use them up in every way – emotionally, mentally, physically – before being spat out or trampled over. It’s the “hey, I got what I wanted out of you, now it’s time for me to move on,” malice that I write of now. It’s real and if you’ve never come across this it’s either because A: you don’t allow people to do that to you, for you recognize it (sniff it out) like a sixth sense, or B: you are that asshole user. I know, harsh words, but I’m not wrong.
I err on the side of goodness whenever I meet anyone and befriend them, which is why it’s so so difficult when the blindsiding happens – I don’t expect it. *How could they do that? Don’t they know they’re hurting me/someone else? *But that’s the kicker: they do know, they just don’t care. And I’m not sure how these people came to be like this – maybe they had fallen trap to others that had done similarly to them and rather than be a victim once more, they’ve turned into the abuser – but it happens all too often. And listen, I know I talk often of being betrayed or cutting others out of my life. It might seem like dramatics, but I assure you, it’s real, it’s happened and I’ve learned a metric shitton of what to look out for. And what **not to do to other people. **Because I can’t ever imagine intentionally hurting someone I love, or even like a great deal. It’s useless behavior.
Besides, I save my torture and torment for fic and burn any residual fuel left over from these lessons in life. I suppose that’s my outlet? It keeps me sane – not to imply that I’d not be a good person if I didn’t write, but I’d harbor a lot more anger and resentment if I didn’t.
Anyway, I believe I’ve written us to precisely how I deal with these propelled issues and that’s it: writing. I force my characters into pain while keeping them good and true, because why turn them into the monsters others have sought long and hard for? Why bring them down to the scum of humanity (or whatever species I’m working with) for the sake of righting a wrong in my own life? I put them through hell, yes, but maintain them throughout. This is how I deal with my own battles and one of the ways it helps me get through.
I sure hope you all have the one thing that does it for us – what’s yours? Do you think I’m just a whiny twat in need of a new group of honestly good people standing at my back? Or is it just the ebb and flow of life – the inevitability that people hurt people and that’s that. Drop a message below or over on twitter. I’m keen* to know!