For a long long time I’ve wanted to write a novel.
I’ve had the idea for said novel hidden away inside of my head for years; I’ve only ever shared the first 6 or so paragraphs of its prologue with 3 other people walking this earth and …everyone IMPLORES me to “write the damn thing already. It will be a fucking movie, woman!”
So, it’s time to take that leap. Time to throw caution to the wind and grow my wings while falling headfirst towards the ground. Because there’s no other way for me, really. That old “No way around it but through it,” saying is my walking, waking truth these days.
And it will be daunting. It will be scary and frightening and any other adjective to describe how afraid of it all I am. It will undoubtedly be the biggest challenge and battle of my life but it IS possible, and more so than, it’s obtainable.
Well there’s a concept I struggle with daily: I have goals and dreams but they’re never things I pursue with absolute faith because what if? What if my dreams don’t come true? Or worse, what if they do? Then what?
It’s both an insane and illogical way of viewing the world and yet this is most assuredly another reason as to why I kickstarted this blog: to shatter the ceilings and boundaries I’ve manifested and replace them with a limitless sky above my head.
Because hey, guess what?
ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE IF YOU WANT IT ENOUGH.
That job? Yours. That car? Owned (or leased). That month-long RV trip to the Grand Canyon with your family that’s fully paid for and then some? Start packing.
YOU CAN GET IT ALL if you believe you are capable and out the work into it, tirelessly in pursuit of that *thing *you must achieve. You can and will do this also and only if you believe that you are worthy.
That last one is where I stumble. I don’t yet have enough belief in myself—belief that I’m worthy of the things I desire—but by every word I type, every plot bunny I chase, every tweet I send to [my new BFF] Sara, I’m finding the courage within has always been there. I am constructing rather than deconstructing myself for a change.
So it goes without saying that a lot is at stake to announce my writing a novel. At least in my eyes the stakes are higher than they’ve ever been…for more reasons than I have time to write at the moment, but just know that they are.
Understand that I will be warring against lazy inclinations, voices in my head that scream at me to play video games or clean another bathroom (we have 3), time schedules that have little to do with actual scheduling because I’m at home with a 7 year old for the next 3 months and lastly, the constant fight against the ever-present “you’ll never make it” devil that dances around like he owns the joint.
THAT is my biggest fear. That fucking quiet whisper that wants so much for me to fail, and time and again I have given into it. I have let go of people and projects and jobs and dreams and myself entirely because of that silent utterance.
But I will not go down without a fight. I’m not weak, I’m not incapable and I’m not that girl that gives up any longer. I’m empowered and ON and goddammit I AM STRONG ENOUGH to keep the gates of hell locked tight.
And you might be wondering why? Why fight so hard for something that so many others have already done and excelled at? Why Everest, why now, why not years ago, why why why?
Well, simple: my life and livelihood depends on it. I owe it to A and B and I owe it to me. I owe it to my parents and my sister and my cousin, D, and all the people who ever gave a fuck about me. For everyone who has supported me, cheered me on, watched me fail and still kept the faith. For every person who has ever believed in me, even when I never trusted that their words could be true.
Never trusted until now.
So #TheWildNovel officially begins with a bang: This blog is the incendiary device that will light up my future and, God and Force willing, open a thousand new doors. There haven’t been many of them (re: opportunities) for a great long time and I’m so looking forward to possibility once more.
This is blog entry #1 for the Novel, currently Untitled, and I do so hope you stick with me for this …wild ride. —zing—