Change is good. Change IS good. CHANGE IS GOOD.
Welcome to the inside of my mind. And hello–I know it’s been a while, and I apologize for the silence. Between a combination of writing obligations, photography obligations, and yes, depression, I needed to take a step back.
But you might be shouting at me: doesn’t that kind of go against everything the blog stands for?!
Yes, it does. And I’m embarrassed to admit that I didn’t realize this sooner. So, I’m sorry.
Life has been a whirlwind of too many emotions and not enough time or sleep. Too many responsibilities piling up and not enough means to care for them all at once. And my self esteem has fallen to abysmal depths.
Bottom is called the bottom for a reason. This means I can go nowhere further but up. And I feel myself ascending.
So what am I doing this time to fight the whispering demons? Well, I’m on day two of a new, healthier diet and am working out an exercise schedule and daily regimen to work in tandem with this. I’m finishing novels I started reading a year ago and keeping fanfics updated and my readers happy. I’m keeping up on household to-do’s and clearing out the physical clutter. I’m talking again to people, which is a good thing. A truly good thing.
Really, I’m just battling my way through a maze of cobwebs and detritus on a path back into the light.
I knew going into this blog that facing my past and all the fears I hold for the future–irrational as they may be–might unintentionally find me lost in the battle against depression. So it wasn’t a shock that it actually happened.
But I AM OKAY. I am okay. Everything will be okay.
And that’s how I know things are already getting better. Because I wouldn’t write that if I didn’t believe it to be true. Hell, I didn’t blog properly for nearly a month because of how low the lows have been.
My writing is also an indication that the sun is nearer to me these days as well; if I don’t feel anything, I don’t write anything, simple as that. And I didn’t feel much for a month. A whole month of wondering if I had finally broken my emotional range or if the proverbial scales had toppled onto themselves and all feeling would be lost to me. But it’s back now.
The other night, around 4:00 am, I cried during a thunderstorm. I stood in front of my window, opened the blinds and just …cried. I felt it. The lightning blinded my eyes and the thunder crashed into my bones. I felt it.
I talked to God and I talked to the Angels and I felt it.
That was the moment the scales balanced for me. When I ceased feeling so alone and started feeling again. And don’t worry, no religious preaching is on the horizon. I just wanted to give you the whole truth, and that was it.
I feel better, I’m breathing better and the haziness that lived a short life inside of my mind is retreating now into its own cowardice.
So, yes. I’ll be writing more, sharing more. Giving you more of myself because that’s who I want to be for the world (my few readers are the world!). I don’t want to hide or pretend something isn’t wrong when it is, or when it was.
I promise I won’t do that again. <3