This post was sponsored by the letter M and the letter H. It shouldn’t be too hard to deduce what these represent but I won’t openly offer more than that to spare myself the embarrassment.
You see, I’m spinning. My wheels aren’t catching. I’m hovering and all I want to do is come down. I want the earth returned beneath me and I want it there now. I’m floundering, flopping about like a fish out of water. I need to feel at home in my own skin and understand who I really am. Get to know myself and come to terms with why I live with such disconnect.
And I can’t keep taking shots, missing and expected to be alright. I can’t stand by and allow others to trample over me but I don’t know how to stop it from happening. I give in so easily because I’ve always been the one to offer trust before it was earned.
Total nasty habit of mine. Though, once trust is gone with me, it’s gone forever. So at least there’s that. Not that this practice is any healthier. eyeroll
Yikes, there is no victory! Even while writing in defense of myself, I get caught in a battle against what makes me me; I go and stick up for those who have wronged me and don’t deserve it, because just maybe it was MY fault for trusting them to begin with?
LOLOLOL No. It wasn’t.
And I CANNOT CARE ANYMORE about projected repercussions. Go ahead, point at the 30-something-year-old wanderer and have a laugh on my expense. If it makes you feel good, do it.
Because I’m strong but I’m…not. At least not right now. Or perhaps I am? Writing this is an indication that I have strength enough to admit my insecurities, but… what kind and how much? Is it the kind of character force that allows me to speak out when I’m afraid of what others might think? Or despite of what people may think?
Or maybe it’s the kind that gives me hope when I desperately need it the most?
Perhaps all I need is to believe in me. Not my hardness or misguided trust practices, not my successes, failures or appreciation complexes. Maybe none of that matters. I have to start rebuilding from within before any of the withouts make sense.
I just know I need to change. I need to commit to change and do so in a loud and proclamation-style kind of way.
So, I’m going to do it this time. I’ve already lost nearly 8 lbs this week. I’ve changed my eating habits entirely. I’m sleeping better. I’ve sent my final DM to one of my favorite people walking this earth.
I won’t rely on validations, I won’t measure possessions or believe that filling holes with useless content feeds my soul. Because it doesn’t. I feed my soul. I am responsible for my own state of well being and happiness and I’ve forgotten this so often in 32 years of life that I sometimes can’t believe it’s really been that long.
It being ALL of it. The failed relationships and friendships, university drop outs, bone-deep betrayals, broken hearts and dreams, oh and a severe case of indecisiveness that laces every. single. thing. I do or don’t do.
Life is too brief, and yes I know I’ve mentioned this before, but it is so fleetingly, painfully short–how can I waste another single minute of it second guessing myself? Or comparing myself to others or wondering about choices I’ve made or will make. Or if I’m doomed to repeat this sad, self-dramatic holding pattern for the rest of my life.
I can’t, I won’t, and that’s that.
So have your triumphs, have your happiness, have everything you deserve. I will, too. And it’s okay.
Discussion: Can you relate? Is this blog post two sheets to the wind and a call away from certifiable? Never said this blog would make sense…much like life. 😉 x