Or perhaps no balance would be a more appropriate title, given that the last two weeks of my life have been anything BUT balanced.

I’ve been sick, fatigued, slothy and drained. I’ve also visited the mountains, a water park, my favorite lake, and hiked trails with some of my fave people in the universe. So all in all, it’s been a fairly remarkable two+ weeks. But…I am desperate to find a balance in the midst of this whirlwind.

You see, I’m one of those all or nothing kind of girls and while… I see the benefits and drawbacks to living my life like this, I’m not opposed to keeping an open mind to, you guessed it, balance.

To open myself up and revel in the good while taking the bad in stride–to acknowledging the peace and calm that can come from both.

And that’s really what this is blog about–a way for me to find peace and discover who I am. To changing and being okay with it. Because I wanted that change, not because it was forced upon me from the pressures of an outside situation.

Too many of my years have been living for someone else; I’ve pushed aside my hopes and dreams, even my ego, in an effort to please others and remain in this pure form of favor. I don’t mean any literal one person, by the by. Just making an “on the whole” general statement.

I’ve not treated me the way I should have in well over a decade and to do that, the time is now. Balance being the answer.

And yet, it hasn’t existed for me …ever, I believe.

Examples:

I binge watch tv shows and movie series, I read 800k word fanfics in two weeks, forgoing sleep because I MUST KNOW ALL THE THINGS. I’ll eat the entire snack even though I know I really really shouldn’t. I’ll run everyday instead of taking rest days because either I do it, or I don’t do it. When I first start diets, I am so strict in adhering to the schedule that I end up shocking my body into an illness because again, NEED HEALTH NOW versus a year from now.

sighclops

It’s evident by the few things written above that I have no chill. There’s no gray area, no wiggle room for pacing myself, all of which is sorely needed.

So there’s other people and then there’s me. Shall we take a look at a few simple solutions everyone else likely entertains that I absolutely should adopt:

  • When watching a new tv show, watch one episode at a time.
  • When starting a diet, don’t go cold turkey. That’s bad. Just so so bad.
  • When reading a story, read a little bit each day. Not 100k words a day. This is also bad.
  • When beginning a new exercise regimen, incorporate rest days, otherwise I risk injury and more time for my ass on the couch.

These are just a few bullet points that any rational being can identify with and understand. You might even find yourself shaking your head wondering how anyone could do the opposite of those listed items.

But there’s me. I’m that guy.

I assure you I am proof enough, unfortunately, that a lack of balance in life is possible in a seemingly endless, multitude of ways. And because of this imbalance, I’m overweight, have had terrible jobs, fall behind with nearly everything I set out to do on account of low self esteem and a scary absence of confidence. I am also capable of riding the emotional spectrum from end to end in the snap of a moment.

Oh wait–that’s my superhero talent! I’ve gone and blogged the reveal of my alter ego!

Anyway.

A change would do me good and that’s where we’re at today. Speaking my truth and claiming responsibility over all the things I’ve done, or not done, that have lead me to this moment. By owning up to my imbalances and recognizing them for what they are–a crutch at best, a curse at worst–I can liberate my soul and work with myself to better…myself!

Lots of me talk there, right? cringe* *Alas, it’s my blog and my words and I’m the one who has to live we me forever…?

So, now that we’ve arrived at the end of the of the entry, what have I learned?

A few things, actually:

  • Take my time on leisure. But hurry up a bit with the important things.
  • Arrest the thief in my brain that sneaks around, stealing bits of my soul and whispering for me to give up or else. I often rush through things because of this inner cackle, thus perpetuating the imbalance.
  • Life isn’t all good. It isn’t all bad. It’s what we make it. Enjoy the good and accept the bad. Move with the river versus against it. Remember, not every storm brings on a tsunami.
  • Stand firm for the things I desire out of life. Believe in my dreams deeply; douse the fires of fortune and reap the rewards of hard work. The embers will carry me through any frozen winters of doubt and the inevitable outside deception, as I’ve little doubt it’ll come knocking.
  • Keep going. No half measures (thanks Breaking Bad!). Don’t give in don’t give up don’t blame myself don’t excuse myself. Don’t discount the influence I have over my own direction but find the middle ground. Find. The. Middle. Ground.

In the end, I hold the cards. It’s all up to me to play the right hand.

Discussion: How do you balance your work, family, fun, leisure, hobbies, passions? Can you identify with this blog? Would love to hear! We can chat about how watching all 11 seasons of Bones in a week is obvs healthy*.

*This is NOT healthy…obvs.