Day 16: Something that you miss.
Hmm. This has the potential to go a lot of ways – my youth, a small figure, friends, aspirations I’ve let slip through the cracks – and so I was unsure of which to go with. Perhaps I should steer away from the superficial and the falling-outs with those no longer in my life – it’s not that I don’t miss them or a different visual version of me, but rather A) nothing can be done about it or B) something can be done, only it just hasn’t happened yet.
So, I’m going to go with…missing a perpetual hope for dreams or goals. I *have *hope but not like I used to. I once thought I was capable and able to do anything, that the future was an oyster and it was all mine. I couldn’t be stopped or deterred; if I wanted something or someone, I got that thing or was with said person. Now, I feel this sense of…fruitlessness in a lot of aspects and I know that’s the problem, that’s what is wrong. I know it’s this trouble alone, instead of a life that has gotten too hard or my dreams too big – it’s my perspectives that need changing, otherwise nothing will, in fact, change.
If I believe I can lose weight or write a bestseller or even a medium seller (novel) then what’s to stop me? Nothing. I try and practice and writer and get better, drop the pounds and score an agent and so on and so on. But if I don’t believe, then everything becomes Everest. And who here can say we’ve scaled the highest among us? Not many.
I see the goals there, the dreams, hopes and aspirations, but the road gets lost somewhere in the bending, winding non-corners of my mind. I get lost. This is a common symptom amongst people my age, and yet eventually a few rise above, setting the bar higher and the examples for all I need. They share their journey, give of themselves an insight that is comparable to my own life and that’s great, it is. But…I’m not them or there yet. So I cope by dreaming more and doing less because isn’t that better? Isn’t it better to imagine myself by the Grand Canyon than working tirelessly to get there? When even if I put that time in, it might never happen anyway?
No, no it’s not. Because I’m not there. Not seeing and feeling it with my own eyes, and that’s the tragedy of it all. Of being a dreamer more than a doer. Of believing *not enough *to get me all the way.
That’s what I miss – the feeling that I can, that I will.