Day 11: Something you always think, “What if…” about.

Oh this one is a loaded gun and its named is anxiety. Hi, I’m Jackie and I am a “what if-er” to the nth degree. Come, join me. I have a lot of cookies and words to say to you…

Some examples:

  • “What if I don’t finish this in time, will I get sued by the client?”
  • “What if I don’t send this out in time, will they hate my guts and cancel their contract with me?”
  • “What if I make that person mad because my face or opinions or weight or job or writing or EVERYTHING offends them?”
  • “What if everyone who listens to the Star Wars podcast hates my fangirl guts? Or my laugh or what I have to say?!”

or even some of these super special ones:

  • “What if I’m sick with some unknown disease and it’s all going to be over soon?”
  • “What if I write a book and no one publishes it and I flame out like everyone expects me to?”
  • “What if I never speak to that person again? Will she/he spill all my secrets because they’re vindictive trolls (even though they’ve done that already)?”

This is what I live with, day in, day out. And I know it’s not healthy, I get that. And looking at just a fraction of it listed here, I’m kind of embarrassed to see how trivial it all is, because I know just how deeply questions like the ones above have affected me. It’s this endless stream of “What if…” and yes, sometimes it is silly stuff, but then sometimes it’s not. Because there are real things in life that hurt us, causing this horrid second-guessing of ourselves or worse: we sacrifice bits of who we are to appease the “What if’s” of others. Because WHAT IF THEY DON’T LIKE US? Then what? How do we LIVE?

Dramatic, I know, and yet, I know I’m not the only one who goes from 0-60 in a flat second over an issue like this.

So I try to placate and appease and do everything I can while not taking care of me. Or at least, used to. I’m getting better (I’ve said this a lot the last few blogs but it’s true) with not being a doormat. Because bitch, I’m not. Simply put.

Let’s switch perspectives and see how it makes us feel for a moment:

  • What *if *someone doesn’t like me? Bye Felicia.
  • What *if *I lose a client? I get another one.
  • What *if *someone reviews the podcast complaining about my sense of humor or stances on the Star Wars universe? 

Ahh, that’s better.

It’ll take time getting over the mental hurdles but they’re not an impossible feat. Let’s say that again for the ones in the back: They’re not an impossible feat.

Day 11: In the bag. Are you guilty of the What If plague? What’s on your mind?