Pfeiffer State Park | Big Sur, CA
I haven’t written anything in five months. Well, no blogs anyway. It’s been a…time? A time, yes, that’s the way to put it.
It’s no secret – especially if you’ve kept up with this blog over the last two+ years – that I’ve had my share of *issues. *Depression, anxiety, fear of abandonment, broken trust, betrayal, the doom of being doormat-ified, and on and on. I’ve done my share of writing on each of those in one way or another, and if I haven’t, just know that I’ve felt all of it. I’ve been there.
But these last five months. They’ve been…different. More good than bad from a personal point of view, but deeply distressing and challenging in a professional sense.
And why? Well I could spend another paragraph or two outlining all the things that *haven’t *happened the way I anticipated or hoped they would but let’s do the thing I love most: Lists.
Things That Haven’t Happened In Late 2018/2019:
- Haven’t found a steady means of income – from either writing or photography and the up down game is an exhausting, defeating one
- Haven’t tried to expand my income search to jobs outside of my home, so I’ve limited myself greatly to freelance work that I haven’t booked, thus, little to no income
- Been building a new business for photography over the last 4 months but with meager effort; in my head, the nihilist voice has been winning: Why Bother? You Won’t Succeed Just Like You Haven’t Ever Before
- Ambition has never been higher but motivation has never been lower
- Been all but pushed out of a dear friends life for no true reason, and as much as I’d like to say it didn’t affect me deeply, it certainly has and I struggle with it still
Things That Have Happened in Late 2018/2019:
- Have travelled for the first time solo – to California in December 2018 to visit my wonderful wonderful bests and spend a week in the overcasty Santa Cruz sun. THAT will be a huge blog coming in the near future, with prints going up for sale (tinkering with this idea)
- Have nailed down a brand style, mood and direction for my future business and it’s one I’m desperately ready to share with the world
- Have come to terms with loss in ways I’ve never known – and coped and found ways to redirect my energies into myself – albeit slower than I’d like
- Have forgiven myself and moved beyond the ones I’d never thought I’d get over
And that’s what brings me back – to myself, to my passions, to what’s real within me. I know who I am, I know what I am, what I need from myself and what I want others and I know – *I know how hard it can be. *
I understand now that I’ll fail along the way but I cannot be afraid of that failure. Without failure there is no progress, no growth.
I know I may hurt myself or others on this journey but that’s life. It just is. I will falter and fall and misstep and trip and make an utter fool out of myself and my bleeding, deserving heart but I will remain authentic and true, even if it means losing people.
Like I have recently. Again.
And yes of course I’m sorry they left and yet – I’m not sorry that they’ve gone. Because they miss out on me as much as I miss out on them. It’s not a one-way street, I’m not a stop on the highway and I never was. If they only saw me as entertainment or a means to a deeply selfish end, then that is on their shoulders from now on. I bear no weight of that any longer. Free.
So what does this shift represent? Well for one, no more hiding and wasting away. No more dreary, woeful thoughts of What’s It All For? No more no more no more. Just go and keep going. I’ll be down but I’ll be back up again. I’ll cry and break my own heart (because I’m a fool like that) and put myself out there alwaysand trust and hope and be every bit of me I know is in there.
It also means new things are on the horizon…
A podcast collaboration, for one. One I’ve started yet haven’t launched; decided only today that this new show would fit so perfectly in line with what I’ve been going on about here for the last 100+ weeks – it would be silly of me to separate the two.
For now, I welcome you back to The Wild Collective. And I *will *be seeing more of you…or perhaps you’ll be seeing more of me?